Confessions of a lost soul

So I've been thinking about... secrets recently. They are really dangerous. We all have them... and yet our reasons for keeping them are always different.

"To control and enslave the minds of men, all one must do is convince them that a secret exists, and that he is privy to information regarding that secret; hence the power of priests and psychics. "
-- S. A. Smith


You see, no matter if we are trying to spare someone's feeling or our own, a secret holds more than just it's simple meaning. I've held many secrets in my life, and now with my Memoir publication looming before me, I realize that it's all going to come out. Which makes me think, what am I actually protecting? Who am I trying to save?

We always start keeping secrets under the most noble of intentions. Not wanting to hurt someone's feelings, protecting some idea, institution, or most importantly, not opening ourselves up to getting hurt.

My closest friends know that I have endured many ups and downs. One of the most important people in my life doesn't know my biggest secret. I hid something from the most important person in my life, cause I didn't want to cause pain or open old wounds. I now understand I was only protecting myself. I was afraid that the truth, and possibly the fear I always new existed would tear us apart forever. Then I made excuses, I didn't want to say it over the phone or on-line. It's been a year and a half, and I don't know if I should come clean or wait til this person reads the book.

The person who stands at my side right now, is someone I have great respect for. Because he is someone who chose that position, and who made the effort to prove to me that he knows full and well all the possible consequences. He is someone who supports me, who cares about me, who is there for me, who listens to me, who makes me cry, and who makes me laugh.

He chose to take my hand, and walk with me knowing my secret. Fully aware, that I may never be able to have children. That I am only half a woman, that I have a problem, and I respect the fact that he made it a point to show how much he wanted to be with me, regardless of my illness. Ovarian cancer nearly took my chances at having a family, but it destroyed my sense of self. Something my last relationship only painfully reiterated, saying well what was he gonna have a serious relationship with someone who couldn't provide a family?

Now, I have someone traveling with me. Someone, who battles all my fears with his bright smile, his witty sense of humor, and his positive outlook. He has taught me that life will move on, and my future has meaning... all is not lost. That you can live life simply for every day, living it as well as you can, without worrying about the future. Along with him, came many other good things in my life, my home, my career is slowly taking shape, I am doing things I love, and I finally have gained the respect I so desperately needed from my family. It all started from a secret. One little mystery, the only one I kept from most, and shared with only a select few.

Destiny and fate are a funny thing. I love someone so much and yet I can't tell them I had cancer, even now, that things are ok. Then there's someone else, that I told... so simply, like it was just a pebble in the road, and he turned and showed me how it feels to be loved... even if it's built on a fault line. You never quite know when or how the next earthquake will hit!!!





To the one I lied to...I'm sorry I didn't have the strength or courage...to tell you or to lose you.

To the one holding my hand... thank you... for showing me who I really am!