I'm hot, sweaty (I think,) wet (maybe,) confused. I sit upin my bed, and stare at the sun beaming in through the balcony door. Colors penetrate my eyes... yellow, orange, blue, green, red, Red, RED - wait, there's nothing RED in my room. I look down and everything is RED. Suddenly, I can't breath, my hands and fingers go numb, I feel my heart pounding in my chest, and random thoughts flood my mind. What's going on? I shouldn't have my period... It's too watery to be blood... it's doesn't feel like menstration. I open my eyes which have been clenched tightly for several minutes to realize that the pain is stabbing me. It's on the lower left side of my abdomen directly where my ovary is... right where my nightmare started 1 1/2 years ago.
I slowly uncurl my body, roll off the bed, and realizing I simply can't stand up I crawl up the spiral steps to my bathroom. I turn on the water. Warm, hot, steamy... the tub slowly fills. The phone rings. I answer to find Maryliza wondering if I got up. "Are you ready for coffee? Should I come over?" she asks. Why not? things are normal. I pull myself onto the toilet, and releasing my morning urine, I notice that there is blood. I ignore it, wipe, and hop in the tub. My body soaks up the heat relieving the pain, slowly relaxing and drifting to sleep. I open my eyes to find the water red from blood.
The doorbell...Maryliz... I manage to walk downstairs and open. She starts screaming when she sees me... I'm pale... there's blood all over the house... one word- HOSPITAL.
Monday, May 14, 2007
Pop Goes The Cherry!!!
As common social norms are changing, pre-marital sex is on the rise. This is especially true in adolescent relationships. Just look at shows like The OC, One Tree Hill, and even the great old classic- Beverly Hills 90210 which promote sexual intercourse amongst teens. Thus, promoting the idea that sex is a necessary part to a functioning relationship, while imposing the need to have sex as a task. It's started to lose all meaning.
Yes, so, I did it! I "popped my cherry" as a sophmore in high school. While I don't regret it, I don't need to agree with my decision either. The moment was comically tragic as it was followed by my first, inevitable break-up! Yes, mid-deed ladies and gents, he admitted that he was already involved in yet another relationship! Emotionally scarred, the experience was followed by a a string of disastrous relationships and sexual acts in which I often found myself wondering - Is it over yet? Uh, again? Ok, whatever...
It took years for me to understand that my actions then were ideas pressed upon me by outside influences. Several years later I started to understand relationships better, and yet intercourse remained a simple task just like sweeping! See, for men sex is easy - it's a matter of mechanics - see, want, motion, BAM! Women are much more complicated, the easy part is opening you legs, but the true meaning lies in opening your true self to the other person.
Nearly a decade later, and I finally have started to understand. To sense the bond that can connect two people. To see that intimacy is more than just sexual intercourse, it's the desire, need, and actualization of feeling thisclose to someone. It's the moment when two people share their inner most world with each other, and allow themselves to be vulnerable.
I can't help feeling as though pre-marital sex causes a loss in the true majesty of human relations, especially in the case of young adults which are often acting on the fleeting ideas of lust. I know I would never describe love, passion, emotion, and lust as I did in high school!
Yes, so, I did it! I "popped my cherry" as a sophmore in high school. While I don't regret it, I don't need to agree with my decision either. The moment was comically tragic as it was followed by my first, inevitable break-up! Yes, mid-deed ladies and gents, he admitted that he was already involved in yet another relationship! Emotionally scarred, the experience was followed by a a string of disastrous relationships and sexual acts in which I often found myself wondering - Is it over yet? Uh, again? Ok, whatever...
It took years for me to understand that my actions then were ideas pressed upon me by outside influences. Several years later I started to understand relationships better, and yet intercourse remained a simple task just like sweeping! See, for men sex is easy - it's a matter of mechanics - see, want, motion, BAM! Women are much more complicated, the easy part is opening you legs, but the true meaning lies in opening your true self to the other person.
Nearly a decade later, and I finally have started to understand. To sense the bond that can connect two people. To see that intimacy is more than just sexual intercourse, it's the desire, need, and actualization of feeling thisclose to someone. It's the moment when two people share their inner most world with each other, and allow themselves to be vulnerable.
I can't help feeling as though pre-marital sex causes a loss in the true majesty of human relations, especially in the case of young adults which are often acting on the fleeting ideas of lust. I know I would never describe love, passion, emotion, and lust as I did in high school!
Confessions of a lost soul
So I've been thinking about... secrets recently. They are really dangerous. We all have them... and yet our reasons for keeping them are always different.
"To control and enslave the minds of men, all one must do is convince them that a secret exists, and that he is privy to information regarding that secret; hence the power of priests and psychics. "
-- S. A. Smith
You see, no matter if we are trying to spare someone's feeling or our own, a secret holds more than just it's simple meaning. I've held many secrets in my life, and now with my Memoir publication looming before me, I realize that it's all going to come out. Which makes me think, what am I actually protecting? Who am I trying to save?
We always start keeping secrets under the most noble of intentions. Not wanting to hurt someone's feelings, protecting some idea, institution, or most importantly, not opening ourselves up to getting hurt.
My closest friends know that I have endured many ups and downs. One of the most important people in my life doesn't know my biggest secret. I hid something from the most important person in my life, cause I didn't want to cause pain or open old wounds. I now understand I was only protecting myself. I was afraid that the truth, and possibly the fear I always new existed would tear us apart forever. Then I made excuses, I didn't want to say it over the phone or on-line. It's been a year and a half, and I don't know if I should come clean or wait til this person reads the book.
The person who stands at my side right now, is someone I have great respect for. Because he is someone who chose that position, and who made the effort to prove to me that he knows full and well all the possible consequences. He is someone who supports me, who cares about me, who is there for me, who listens to me, who makes me cry, and who makes me laugh.
He chose to take my hand, and walk with me knowing my secret. Fully aware, that I may never be able to have children. That I am only half a woman, that I have a problem, and I respect the fact that he made it a point to show how much he wanted to be with me, regardless of my illness. Ovarian cancer nearly took my chances at having a family, but it destroyed my sense of self. Something my last relationship only painfully reiterated, saying well what was he gonna have a serious relationship with someone who couldn't provide a family?
Now, I have someone traveling with me. Someone, who battles all my fears with his bright smile, his witty sense of humor, and his positive outlook. He has taught me that life will move on, and my future has meaning... all is not lost. That you can live life simply for every day, living it as well as you can, without worrying about the future. Along with him, came many other good things in my life, my home, my career is slowly taking shape, I am doing things I love, and I finally have gained the respect I so desperately needed from my family. It all started from a secret. One little mystery, the only one I kept from most, and shared with only a select few.
Destiny and fate are a funny thing. I love someone so much and yet I can't tell them I had cancer, even now, that things are ok. Then there's someone else, that I told... so simply, like it was just a pebble in the road, and he turned and showed me how it feels to be loved... even if it's built on a fault line. You never quite know when or how the next earthquake will hit!!!
To the one I lied to...I'm sorry I didn't have the strength or courage...to tell you or to lose you.
To the one holding my hand... thank you... for showing me who I really am!
"To control and enslave the minds of men, all one must do is convince them that a secret exists, and that he is privy to information regarding that secret; hence the power of priests and psychics. "
-- S. A. Smith
You see, no matter if we are trying to spare someone's feeling or our own, a secret holds more than just it's simple meaning. I've held many secrets in my life, and now with my Memoir publication looming before me, I realize that it's all going to come out. Which makes me think, what am I actually protecting? Who am I trying to save?
We always start keeping secrets under the most noble of intentions. Not wanting to hurt someone's feelings, protecting some idea, institution, or most importantly, not opening ourselves up to getting hurt.
My closest friends know that I have endured many ups and downs. One of the most important people in my life doesn't know my biggest secret. I hid something from the most important person in my life, cause I didn't want to cause pain or open old wounds. I now understand I was only protecting myself. I was afraid that the truth, and possibly the fear I always new existed would tear us apart forever. Then I made excuses, I didn't want to say it over the phone or on-line. It's been a year and a half, and I don't know if I should come clean or wait til this person reads the book.
The person who stands at my side right now, is someone I have great respect for. Because he is someone who chose that position, and who made the effort to prove to me that he knows full and well all the possible consequences. He is someone who supports me, who cares about me, who is there for me, who listens to me, who makes me cry, and who makes me laugh.
He chose to take my hand, and walk with me knowing my secret. Fully aware, that I may never be able to have children. That I am only half a woman, that I have a problem, and I respect the fact that he made it a point to show how much he wanted to be with me, regardless of my illness. Ovarian cancer nearly took my chances at having a family, but it destroyed my sense of self. Something my last relationship only painfully reiterated, saying well what was he gonna have a serious relationship with someone who couldn't provide a family?
Now, I have someone traveling with me. Someone, who battles all my fears with his bright smile, his witty sense of humor, and his positive outlook. He has taught me that life will move on, and my future has meaning... all is not lost. That you can live life simply for every day, living it as well as you can, without worrying about the future. Along with him, came many other good things in my life, my home, my career is slowly taking shape, I am doing things I love, and I finally have gained the respect I so desperately needed from my family. It all started from a secret. One little mystery, the only one I kept from most, and shared with only a select few.
Destiny and fate are a funny thing. I love someone so much and yet I can't tell them I had cancer, even now, that things are ok. Then there's someone else, that I told... so simply, like it was just a pebble in the road, and he turned and showed me how it feels to be loved... even if it's built on a fault line. You never quite know when or how the next earthquake will hit!!!
To the one I lied to...I'm sorry I didn't have the strength or courage...to tell you or to lose you.
To the one holding my hand... thank you... for showing me who I really am!
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